I’ve been thinking a lot this week about how much people pretend. Some pretend to like their jobs. Some pretend to like their relationships. Some pretend to like their lives. I know that I am guilty of it. I have a tendency to pretend that everything is okay, when often it isn’t. I am in that place right now. Here is where I warn you that this is going to be yet another post about how things aren’t going so well right now. I told myself that I wasn’t going to write a series of these, but then I thought, “It’s my blog, damn it. If people don’t want to read it, they don’t have to.”
The blog is therapeutic for me. Whether anyone reads it or not, it helps me to get it all down, if not to make myself feel better, then at least to feel as if I am putting it out into the world, to create a record of what I needed to say. I am only going to have access to the internet in any manner for a few more days, so I thought I’d get it all out of my system. I don’t have a smart phone, hell at this point, I don’t even have cell phone. We don’t have internet access in our home. I will certainly miss it. I admit, I miss social media already. I haven’t really spent any time there, because I am nearing the end of the cycle, and data limits are all but exhausted. I’ve had to choose to spend online time for checking email and performing the most basic of tasks.
Social media had become my link to the outside world. When you live in a remote part of Virginia, when you take care of an elderly loved one, your daily life consists primarily of going to work and then going home. Other than co-workers, I don’t have any real contact with anyone, friends or otherwise. I actually don’t have any friends that I see or talk to on a daily basis, other than through social media. And no longer having that contact hurts me more than I would like to admit. Now that I am dealing with my leg injury, and I no longer go to work everyday, I am feeling more isolated than ever. In the age of internet-everything, I think people take for granted access to email, and news sites. It’s difficult to imagine not having the ability to Google to your heart’s desire. I don’t much care for my new reality.
I guess in many ways it seems like a whole-lotta-whining about something insignificant, and I suppose to some extent, it is. I will no longer be able to keep up with everyone’s antics as they update, and photo bomb, and tweet away, but more so, I will no longer have the ability to truly write and promote the blog in the ways that I have been. Maintaining contact with Amazon had become necessary, as well as promoting my writing in places like reddit, StumbleUpon, Delicious, and the like. Having no web access will also hamper my ability to participate in RSS feeds, as well as a list of other things that have become necessary in trying to get my writing out there a little more. It’s a bigger blow than just not being able to use Facebook. The biggest ick in all of this though, is that I am going to have to sell my trusty laptop. Just typing that makes me nauseous. I’m down to the brass tacks, kids, and I am feeling that I don’t really have a choice.
I was about to go to the grocery last night to pick up some bread, and my auntie asked if I would pick up some canned pineapple for a snack. In the car, I was frantically calculating if I would have enough money to buy what was needed, and a can of pineapple as well. I didn’t want to embarrass myself by putting things into the cart, and then have to put something back. It was incredibly humbling for me to know that I couldn’t buy for her something as simple as a can of pineapple. We’ve been in some tough places before, but this time it just feels so much more overwhelming. I’m frustrated, terribly humiliated, and more than just a little sad. 2013 has been a real kick in the rubber parts
As I’ve said before, I never know when I might be able to post something new, and each time could possibly be the last. I have so enjoyed it though, it was all so very good for my soul.
If you see Ellen DeGeneres anywhere, and she’s throwing around those suitcases of money, send her my way.